Ste McClay's Story

My biggest fear in my whole life was something happening to my parents especially my mum - I remember watching her struggling to bring us up yet we were so happy and always got what we wanted. My mum had a hard past and I always wanted her to be happy and healthy.

In March 20th 1999 my dad also remarried to a terrific person and he was also starting to find his feet. In February 2000 he did the proudest thing ever - he took part in a Sahara desert hike - to raise money for Men Cap - an important charity for him. He worked so hard previous to this 10 day hike such as fund raising and sponsored events in order to raise enough money for this charity. We were so happy that he did it and as you can imagine we didn't stop talking about it for ages. However when dad got back home he started becoming ill bit by bit - he kept taking these mild fits and because epilepsy runs in my dads side of the family - the doctors at first put it down to mild epilepsy and give him a course of tablets. Things then went back to normal for a few weeks, although the headaches in which he had were getting slightly worse.

My dad had been learning how to drive (taking lessons) and he was nearly ready for his test when those mild fits started again - he was out driving one day when he took a mild fit and nearly collided with another car. Luckily he didn't injure himself as his instructor stopped the car quickly. By now my step-mum was getting very concerned as we all were, so he went back to the doctors, who then sent him for tests - including a CAT scan.

The tests cam back that dad had a tumour - we didn't know if it was cancerous our not. The night I found out was very spooky as I remember I was watching a movie on television about a man who had a inoperable brian tumour and his wife was pregnant - I remember thinking that it was horrible to see someone like that even though it was just a movie. After the movie was over mum called me down stairs and broke the news - and as you can imagine I thought of the movie and immediately thought he was going to die like the person on the movie.

They didn't wait long to operate and my dad was very lucky not to have been left paralysed after the operation. However they had to remove apart of his brain to get to his tumours. They were only able to remove around 45% of one of his tumours and they hoped radiation treatment what kill the others. When he came around dad had no short term memory - he still doesn't (as they had to remove part of the brain which stored his short term memory) That was scary as he kept saying to us 'look how much you have grown' etc. We found out after the operation (week or so) that in fact he had malignant brain tumours. Of course we didn't know what that meant until it was explain to us thoroughly and the news wasn't clear nor good. All the months of hoping shattered. My dad has cancer - that is when it hit home.

That period in our life's was very hard, am not saying we got through it easily - there was many nights some of our family fell apart - some of dads brothers kept saying he won't die he had radiotherapy etc., so we couldn't really talk to them. After his treatment the doctors broke the news to him that he has around 2 - 4 yrs. - this was a year ago. We refuse to believe this as no one on this planet can put a date to your death. Although a month or so ago dad got extremely ill - but he pulled through it. It was hard seeing him in pain and he didn't even remember he had children. Thankfully the doctors were able to release the pressure of his brain - which one tumour was causing.

Then around the summer dad got diagnosed - Mum was becoming tired and white in complexion, she put it down to her work load and carried on with life. Then around Christmas she was in so much pain - but she still made the Christmas dinner, bought presents and hosted a family party where several guests came.

She went to her doctors just before Christmas and the doctor told her she may have a trapped nerve at the bottom of her spine as that was where the pain was most intense. On boxing day mum took to her bed and stayed there for two weeks. She got extremely ill, could hardly move and was in so much pain. We were all so scared seeing mum so ill but we kept reassuring her she would be okay - but she kept trying to put on a brave face for us all. Then again after the new year she went back to the doctors, this time she scared her own GP -her heart rate had doubled to around 150 bpm (beeps per minute - the average would be around 70 bmp)

Then they came and took bone marrow from mum for tests - she knew immediately what they were testing her for - as she had nursing skills as she was a home help before she got ill. They told mum on the Friday she had leukemia, they were going to send her straight to the main hospital in Belfast - 70 miles away - around the please where dad lives.

But she refused to go straight away she wanted to come home and tell us on her own which she did. Of course it absolutely floored us and I cursed god up and down as my only prayer was for mum to live a healthy happy nice life. I cried, we cried yet I didn't think leukemia was actually cancer. I found out then and I cried more. Mum being mum pulled us all through even though she was the one going through it - she is truly a remarkable role model. The next day she packed her stuff and went to the main hospital in Belfast - there she stayed until June - with only around 5 weeks out of all those months; being allowed to come home.

The following Monday mum wanted us to go back to school which we did it was so hard but mum didn't want me to ruin the last year of college as it was very important. It was extremely hard having to travel to Belfast to see mum lonely and at times extremely and dangerously ill from infections which she got. She was extremely lucky as the doctor had told her that if she had stayed in bed one extra day she could have died.

As I am writing this my mum is out driving around the town meeting a few people - she truly refuses to let cancer get the better of her. She once told me that all her life she had to battle other people who hurt her so much and now she has come to her biggest battle and its with herself.

In August 10th 2001 mum will be going to get bone marrow removed from her - they store this bone marrow just incase she rejects her donors bone marrow (which she will receive in Sept/Oct) It is unlikely that she will reject her bone marrow as she has a 100% perfect match who turns out to be her sister. However there is still a 20% chance that she may reject it - relatively low but its still there. Am proud of mum for going for the transplant - its a major step and very risky. Mum told me that if she didn't take bone marrow she could stay in remission for around four years. Then once she comes out of remission she may never go back into it - then she will die and from that if she is going to die - so mum sees that she has nothing to lose. Hopefully this transplant will mean mum can return back to normal in the future and have a nice life again - there will always be that chance of it returning or spreading - but we will deal with that if it arises.

Before mums transplant she will be going to TBI (total body irradiation) and also chemotherapy (intense for two days). Both therapies will make her extremely sick and after the transplant she will be in isolation for 6 weeks. Hopefully if all goes to plan she will be home after that.

Mum and Dad are both Cancer Warriors and we are so proud of them both. I know the last year has not been the best and that its been extremely hard on all of us, but the main thing is we still have each other and whilst we have each other we will be happy.

I did finish my course thanks to the help of a teacher called Miss Glover - she helped me so much that I don't think she realised how much. She talked me to, helped me and give me a boot when I was lacking in my work. She understood me well as her dad also has cancer - in fact her dad was in the same ward as my dad on one occasions. Miss Glover also traveled to Belfast occasionally and at times she would take us to visit our mum and drop me off to see my dad. She meant a lot to me and because of her I got a distinction in my course which now means I can go to university in England in September 2001. In September I will be moving away from my family - its going to be very hard as mums transplant will be after that date. However they want me to go and have supported me throughout - its only a £30 plane fair away so I can get home quickly if there is ever an emergency. Some people may think I am mad going but after month talking it through with mum - she feels its the best choice. I also think that if I didn't go then my parents would be slightly upset as I have worked so hard to get where I am at the moment. I also want to do it. As long as I am backed by my family then ill be happy.

Cancer chat also help me so much each one of them is like Miss Glover. I have met truly exceptional people like sweerrosy and orengo57 along with everyone else who mean so much to me. Thank you all for helping me so much I hope to return the favour real soon.

At present dad is not doing very well and can hardly talk, he is becoming slightly paralsyed down his right side and has problems balancing himself when he is standing up. I know he can think clear inside but cannot speak and say what he wants. I remember back to fathers day when we visited him in hospital and he could talk then but previously forgot he had children and was married. Luckily that passed but now its back. I dont like to think it but i know time will come soon when we have to say goodbye....but not now, i know in my heart that we have to keep hold of him and be strong for him the whole way.

20th August 2001 - Well the last two weeks have been extremely hard on all our family. Mum was due to go into hospital for a routine operation to remove bone marrow from her so they can store it (just in case). She was ready for the operation and was waiting for go for it - when they did minor tests on her from which they discovered that her cancer came back - it had relapsed. No-one could beleive it - i still can't! Mum was doing so well that it took us all by surprise. It taught us not to take anything for granted. Over the last week mum had 2 chemo a day - which was very intense. It made her so ill that it scared us all. My birthday was smack bang in the middle of all this and with both my parents 70 miles away i did not want to celebrate it. I spent my 19th birthday (16/08) so upset i guess i was feeling sorry for myself but everyone in Yahoo Cancer Chat was so nice to be that I was touched by their kindness - it really cheered me up - orengo57 played happy birthday music and everyone scrolled the screen saying happy birthday :). It cheered me up so much because i wasn't expecting it one bit - that day I felt so special and I realised that this chat is a special place to me as am sure it is to everyone else. I want to thank everyone for caring :).

I spent the following day with mum although she was so sick that it scared me - i knew deep inside she would bounce back - and she did. The amazing thing happened 2 days ago - mum phoned me from the hospital and she said she was feeling alot better and was eating a little. That cheered us all up so much - mum was fighting back more than ever and this time she was so strong. I just hope now that we find that mum is back in remission. We will find out soon. Dad is also doing slightly better and may be going for another operation - something his doctors ruled out months ago - though i think that he may just get a shunt inserted into his head - to drain the fluid.

The last month has been the most difficult month in all our lifes. I moved to Liverpool on the 5th September, saying goodbye to mum on the night of the 4th of September as she was still in hospital. I didn't know then that that would be the last time I saw mum. On the 12th September 2001 mum got her results back from her doctors. It was not good news, they told her that the chemo was not successful and basically go home and spend time with the family. They give mum 3-12 weeks. We all took that bad but we adapted all hoping that maybe we might get 13, 14, 15 or another month with mum. We didn't. One week later on the 19th September 2001 at 5:15pm mum passed away in our local hospital. Few days before she started coughing up blood and she was in so much pain, they put her on morphine which immediately put mum into a sleep. A sleep which she was in till the end.

Our biggest fear had become reality. It hurts and will always hurt; but mum was such an magnificant character that she will live on always. If only words could describe the feeling. You know before mum died she bought all of us presents, which were to be given to us at her wake. Us, the children, each got a gold buckle ring which is beautiful. This is to signify that we will be together forever and for the family to stay close to each other always. The rings are currently sent off to be resized and for a personal message which mum wrote, to be engraved on them. We don't know what it is so I cant wait to get them back. Our step dad got bought a lovely watch with a personal message on the back of it.

After the funeral which was extrodinary as mum pick it all out and organised it - I went back to liverpool and started back at my course a week later - it was hard but mum wanted it - she told me. However i am now back in Ireland again as my dad is extremely ill. The doctors give him one week to ten days to live. That was nine days ago. I spent time with him in belfast but he cant move, talk, eat, drink, walk or anything. His type of cancer is so bad its stripped him of his pride - but he never complained. I am down in Londonderry today and I will be going back up to Belfast where dad lives tomorrow for a few days. I just hope we all find the strength and courage to face the future - the future which seems to be inevitable at this point in time.

Three weeks after mums death on the 12th October 2001; a day after my younger sister's 16th birthday - our dad also passed away. He just turned 45, ten days beforehand. He had a horrible illness which has torn us all apart - no goodbyes he couldnt talk, eat, drink, move or nothing but we knew what he was saying - his eyes said it all. Dad got buried on the 16th October 2001 in Belfast, Northern Ireland. That day would have been my dead sisters 17th Bithday. The whole event cant be put in words; first mum now dad. We are all in a state of zombie, nothing is important no more, nothing seems to make sense.

Today is the 12th January - its exactly a year to the day when mum got diagnosed. Am back in liverpool after a horrible christmas - but we got through it together. Things are not really great at the moment our step dad is drinking all the time and in a bad state and i dont know no more i cant stand looking at him i dont know why i just cant!. My life is so much different, i have so many bad days which makes the good days more meaningful. I am so confused i dont know how to react most times but i laugh and at times have fun. I have stopped talking to people about mum and dad other than my aunt - i just feel as if am going over and over the same area.

It amazing looking back on my story now knowing that I was writing it as the world was crumbling around me. Alot of things have changed. Sometimes I still cant get my head around whats happened but in general ive accepted it. I miss both my parents so much that it cant be put into terms - what I would give to just say hello or goodnight mum and dad to them in person. As I am writing this I am thinking back about them I can hear their voices, laughters which is a good thing as it helps me move on. Our world took a real bad beating and am sure there are people around our family that think everything is fine now - when its not! The smiles are just to stop you from asking. I don't know how to put my feelings into words. But I do know that its not true when people say it gets better as the years go on - who are they trying to kid? It gets more bearable but its up to you to turn that negative thing into a possitive otherwise youll go around circles like I did for a while. So if there is anyone reading this story thats in that situation - please take one day at a time and think of the goodtimes and not how on earth your going to live in the future.

My life has kind of come together now after all this. I have a good job and studying full time - I have one more year till graduation and that me - finished.. How on earth I got here I don't know. It wasnt easy but I think having a job and the education has kept me busy its set goals for me to achieve and giving me hope for the future. I love my mum for pushing me to go to university on the 5th September otherwise - I dont think I would have ever gotten on it as she passed shortly after.

About a month ago our family home in ireland got broken into and mums wedding ring, the watch she left for her husband and the DVD player I bought for my sister for christmas -were all stolen plus they tried setting my sister bedroom alight! - I just had to laugh - typical with this family huh - never rains but it pours! But theres one thing they cant steal - memories! thats the most important thing I own! My sister has moved out for a while as she doesn't like staying at the house while my step-dad still lives there. She is looking to join the army now and its kinda scaring me :) and my two brothers are working away.

I am glad who I am and the family I have. When I saw families coming into work to order something - I would get jealous - as they seemed happy 2 point 4 children kind of thing. Thats something that was taking away from us - so for ages i wanted to be that person. Now I don't!

Never ever say hope the futures better than this year - What you should be saying is I hope I have the strength and courage to get through the forthcoming years! Those out there going through cancer and their families - I send my thoughts! and that whatever the future brings - live for today. As you can see from my story it works itself right through diagnosing, treatment, sickness and death and I think I came out the other side a winner.