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Listening & Understanding Giving Practical Help Looking After Yourself
Usually, it's not what you say to a person with cancer which matters most to them, but how you listen.
Having cancer can give rise to a whole range of strong emotions: shock, fear, anger, bitterness, uncertainty, confusion, depression. All too easily people with cancer can feel vulnerable and isolated. Talking about fears can actually help reduce anxiety.
You can help by encouraging the person to talk, and by acknowledging the unpleasantness of all these feelings. Not all of us are born counsellors, but if you are a good listener, you can show a person with cancer that you accept how they feel. That might help them be more comfortable with talking openly.
Tips for good listening
Getting a conversation going is sometimes difficult. You might find the following tips useful:
Give clues that you are not hurrying off: sit down, take your coat off Get on the same level as the person you are talking to, and not too far away If you're not sure whether the other person wants to talk, you can always ask (Do you feel like talking?) Try not to be offended if the other person does not want to talk.
If the conversation does get underway, you can help the other person say what's on their mind by:
Actually listening to what they are saying, rather than thinking about what you are going to say next Encouraging them, by saying things like 'yes' and 'I see' as they talk, or holding their hand if they are obviously thinking about something painful Showing you're listening by picking up on things they have said Being honest - and not afraid of describing your own feelings Allowing silences, and not filling them with words for the sake of it Not changing the subject, even if you find some of the things being said difficult Not interrupting, or blocking their flow by saying things like 'You'll be alright' or 'Don't worry' Not forcing your advice on the other person: try presenting your suggestions as questions, such as 'Have you ever thought about?' Good communication is not always easy to achieve, but it is very important to most relationships. Tackling a crisis like cancer has been known to strengthen peoples' relationships because they talk about things they have never confronted before. Secrecy, on the other hand, can damage trust and lead to a breakdown of communication - even if it is used to protect people.